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Excruciating Beauty before/after Last night I stepped out of the house. The sky was clear, the cosmos stretched across the sky in vain glory. They said in philosophy class that if there was no one to perceive it, the cosmos wouldnt exist. That's one of those pain-in-the-ass questions. And Im not getting bogged down into that one. No, no, forward. Or backward, rather. When I was a child I had a weighty sense of the days slipping by, that time never stood still, that things always change, despite our best intentions to sun ourselves in the clover patch. That things always change and there isnt a goddam thing ANYONE can do about it. And I would pick up the attendance at the various rooms of our small parochial school, and I would see my brother in another class. I would know that these moments were soon gone, and I would be back in my room. That all this happiness would soon come to an end. Things would change. This moment is gone. I cannot hold onto it. And while I mourn that moment, now this moment is gone, too. And I would cry. I would ball like a baby. I was a baby. The teachers never understood, and when I tried to gasp to them inbetween sobs about everything changing, I only felt stupid. So, eventually they stopped letting me pick up the attendance. This sense of things changing, of never staying the same, its an aching sensation that's so overwhelmingly beautiful, and starkly cold, that brings all our feelings, our thoughts and emotions, our experiences in such sharp relief, and the days slip idly by such as our allotment is. And its all so BEAUTIFUL. The stars twinkle in the sky. No, not that one, its a planet. The warm air blows through the house. The smell of the grass. The rustling of the wind through the leaves. The cat rubs up against your legs and purrs. Its all so BEAUTIFUL. Its EXCRUCIATING. Because we will not have this day again. It could be nothing, but instead its all this. Goddam, just look at the SKY! Each moment is so filled with sensation and experience. It only takes the right mind to enjoy it and tremble in awe. To not get burdened by the games of pacification through consumerism and the banal. And it felt so excruciatingly beautiful to walk out of the house into the quiet of night, with blanket of stars overhead and seranade of wind blown leaves like a chorus, soaking in all the sheer stimulation, and inwardly weep for each moment that is lost again, these small overwhelming moments of excruciating beauty. Sunsets, sunrises, clouds, the simple joy of being alone. Let your senses wander and soak it all up. How is it that anyone gets anything done? Its no wonder I chose drugs to numb myself at an early age.
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