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Winter's End
2004-03-03 - 3:05 a.m.


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And, at last, winter's come to an end.

Its strange to me, really.  Its as if that the end of the season never really occurred to me.  I never thought about it, when in years past it would get to me.  The cold, the grey.  I never took pleasure in it.

And since those days, I've learned to find the happiness inside.  Intrinsic reward is the only lasting reward there is.  After living with 300 days of sunlight a year, and finding that as annoying, almost depressing as the constant gloom here, I had to come to terms with the fact that it wasnt the damn weather.

Sure, you move to the sunbelt after the rustbelt and the light puts the zap on the head.  'My God!' one thinks, 'Its so SUNNY!' and 'I must go outside and not waste this wonderful gift from the gods day!'

Then shortly after that its, 'Oh, its sunny again.'  and you stay inside and get high all day, playing stupid video games and strumming on the guitar.  Or at least, that's me.

Then after a year or so thoughts roll around like 'My God! Will this stupid mindless sunshine never CEASE!' and you celebrate the rain.

(Because rain is a celebration.  The weather I truly adore is the thunderstorm)

Then you realize it ain't the fuckin' weather.  Its you.  Its not about going to find the weather you think you love, but loving yourself. 

Loving the gifts of it all. 

Like this winter.  The grey used to bother me.  It doesnt anymore.  It could just as well be sunshine. 

Instead I reach for the small glories, the small gifts, the susseration of chill air that surrounds you after you get out of the car, a delicious tingle and shiver, a hug from the cold. 

Like seeing the snow fall to the ground swirling in big fat silver dollar sized flakes.

Watching the drifts form, looking like an alien landscape, or like dusty desert, the sine waves of nature.

And it never occurred to me that winter would end.  I guess in some corner of my mind I thought it would just go on and on and on. 

But Im allright with it just the same.

 


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