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I'm so tired and my emotional cup is over full before/after So, a case got to me last night. Awhile ago, I took on a contract with a local juvenile court. My friend, good friend, is a referee out there, and I thought, "Hey, open position, I would love to work with my buddy." Anyway, I got the contract and still keep my practice. Fast forward a few months and things are going okay or ok adjacent. Yesterday I go out to meet one of my little clients, the mom is there, her sister is there, step dad is there. --- Like, I want to detail it anonymously as Ive detailed many interactions over the years, but I don't want to betray confidences. I know just about no one reads this or will. I know I keep my identity hid and anonymize pretty much everything. So I don't want to betray confidences. Any similarity to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental. This is entirely a work of fiction and no resemblance is to be inferred. ----- I meet her and show her the court room that she will be testifying in. "Hi!" I say, "I'm Arg. I'm your attorney." Her eyes go wide. "I have an attorney?!" she asks incredulously. "Yep." I say, "Because you're just *that special*." She was a cute little girl. "Picture me like...your big brother that won't let anything bad happen to you." I said. The parents and the workers all said 'Awww...' I compared the feeling of the court room to the feeling of being in church, but that nobody should worry or be scared, because the court room is for all of us to have our voices heard. The prosecutor showed up and talked to the girl and her family. Then I went with the parents and the prosecutor to a conference room to discuss any concerns they had. I was with them for 2 hours. For whatever reason, the clock in the conference room...the batteries are dead. Does it matter? I feel I was needed. The prosecutor left after 15 minutes. They detailed the profound neglect and abuse she went through. The exploitation. The continued harassment from the alleged perpetrator and his family. The developmental problems the girl was experiencing and was that nature vs nurture, can she grow past this? What is recommended. And I spoke with them at length. As we left I had my little client give me a fist bump and blow it up. It was awkward but funny. I didn't tell her that at one point I had a circuit court judge give me a fist bump and blow it up, but that's a story for another time. Then the prosecutor stepped in and did the same thing twice. Nothing like running something into the ground. And then I went to my office and didn't do any work the rest of the day. I went home and listened to some music on youtube. Particularly Neko Case "I wish I was the moon." I thought about learning the song, its pretty easy to play. And in some corner of my mind I though about all I had been through in the past seven plus years. More, really, as my quest in life seems to have become to help people and give meaning to my suffering. I thought about playing that song for the very very few that have any idea of what my experience has been. If I'm being totally honest, just about no one does. Maybe the one who does is the one who has also hurt me the worst and while we live together, real communication is hard to come by. And I choked up in my throat. Tears welled up in my eyes at just the thought of playing that song, singing that song for those that kinda know me. Audrey came in and I clicked off the videos, wiped the tears from my eyes. Still they welled up. She pretended to not notice. Or maybe she didn't notice. I don't know. I tried to talk a little about it over dinner, but basically I've been fighting tears ever since yesterday afternoon. How people can do such things. How people can treat others like they were objects or toys to be used and cast aside. How they can ruin others lives so pointedly and casually. And then deny their reality, the suffering they have caused. Her own father. How? What went wrong with you, that you did that? That you thought that was okay? I try to have empathy and compassion for the people that cross my path. I think of some of the bodhisattvas that I've been able to witness via the magic of the internet, the amazing level of suffering they go through, and yet still preserve their joy in life, their tranquility unruffled, and the empathy deep and unending and I struggle so...so...hard to let go of the bad feelings. To name the feelings, encounter it and let them go. And yet I feel outrage, anger...the old anger that would like to be in a room with this guy for five minutes... I know I need to let it go. For my sake. I need to realize that anger is a normal emotion, know why I feel it, because of the victimization of a little girl, and let it go, as my anger serves no purpose and is an unskilled emotion. And still the tears well up. I told an excerpted part of the story to the lady at the doughnut shop this morning. She gave me my doughnuts for free today. "It will get better." she said. I hope so.
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